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Today In “Shit You Couldn’t Make Up”

April 22, 2010

Unilever (as Marmite) are considering taking out an injunction against the BNP after a video clip of Nick “That Bastard” Griffin was seen with a jar of Marmite floating in the corner.

This would be funny enough by itself, but the BNP’s defense has so far been along the lines of:

“It wasn’t us, we didn’t do anything, and anyway, they started it, so there!”

As to what it was that Marmite “started”: they ran an advert on an election theme – not surprising, given that we’ll all be voting soon – with only two parties standing, the Love Party and the Hate Party. Which all ties in rather nicely with Marmite’s long-running campaign slogan “Marmite: you either love it or you hate it”.

And according to the BBC, “the BNP claims the Hate Party was “clearly based” on itself.”

This tells us sod all about Marmite, but rather a lot about the way the BNP views itself. Or, in other words, HA! Hahahahaa!

Transcript below the cut.

Black screen, with the words “a Marmite election broadcast by The Hate Party” in white.

Woman’s voice: “there now follows a Marmite election broadcast by The Hate Party”.

Close-up of a white baby, probably around a year old, sitting up in a high chair. Behind the baby is a kind of pink canopy that can be hung above beds, like curtains. In the foreground, a white woman’s hand moves in towards the baby, holding a slice of toast and Marmiet. The baby pushes the hand and toast away.

Man’s voice: Poor Billy. Too young to feed himself, too young to stand up for himself, too young to… write to his MP.

Cut to scene of white man dressed in a suit sitting behind a desk. Hardback books, a picture of a bulldog over a union jack, a ship in a tank and a frame full of medals are behind him.

Man from voiceover: ‘Allo. I’m Steve Heaving, leader of the hate party. I believe children like billy have been exposed to the horrors of marmite for long enough. It’s time to elect a government that protects its youngsters, and teaches them the facts. Facts that no-one wants to hear.

Cut to a tennis court outdoors. A young white woman is attempting to hit tennis balls that are being thrown at her. She fails every time.

Heaving (voiceover): Facts like eating marmite can affect your hand-eye co-ordination….

Cut to a young white man bent over, holding on to some park railings. An older white man stops to ask him – very unconvincingly – if he is alright. The young man clutches at his hair.

Heaving (voiceover): …and make your hair hurt. Yes, some doctors have said this. And it doesn’t end there.

Text flashes up over image, reading “source: Steve Heaving’s GP, 2009”.
Scene changes back to office. Steve Heaving holds up a chart on a piece of black paper, tracking “Marmite Sales” in red and “Climate Change” in blue. The lines are drawn with “Marmite Sales” just above “Climate Change”, and the lines are almost identically distributed.

Heaving: recent studies have shown that marmite may even contribute to global warming. Scary stuff, I think you’ll agree, and no amount of bleating by the Love Party about “B vitamins” is gonna change it. B vitamins – what a joke! Liquid nitrogen may well contain B vitamins, but you won’t catch me putting it on my toast! We can’t go on like this. Something needs to be done, and the Hate Party is here to do it, with policies that have been tried and tested in my home constituency of Grimely.

Cut to middle-aged white man and woman, and older white man, all in suit trousers, outside an open office door. They are standing in a small area, fenced off with portable fencing, a chain strung between two poles. A large sign hanging on the chain says “marmite eating zone”.

Heaving (voiceover): One: we create specific Marmite-eating zones, away from the general public.

Cut briefly to close up of a white man’s ankle, with a small black band around it. A picture of a marmite jar with a cross over it, and a barcode, are both on a tag attached to the band.

Heaving (voiceover): Two: we set up a “spread offenders” list and tag all those on it.

Cut briefly to a view of a young white man in a gown, sitting with his arms around his knees, looking distressed, seen through a small window set into a door, as for a prison. A doctor puts their hand on the man’s shoulder.

Heaving (voiceover): Three: special rehabilitation centres to help those who seek recovery.

Cut back to office.

Heaving: These measures are just the beginning. Read our full manifesto on this site, and vote for us on election day.

Text scrolls over image, reading “Vote now at”

Heaving: And to those who say, “chill out! You don’t have to eat it! You’ve got a choice!”, I say this: where was Billy’s choice?

Cut back to baby, still avoiding the marmite-laden toast. He puts both hands over his eyes and starts to cry. Text over the image reads “STOP THE SPREAD”, “The Hate Party” and “Vote now at”

I should probably point out that the alternative advert, “The Love Party broadcast”, is also very heavy on the white people, so it’s hard to tell whether not having any non-white people in The Hate Party broadcast was done deliberately as a parody. I hope it was deliberate, because otherwise it’s just another advertising fail.

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