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Tuesday Morning Song

September 22, 2009

Comedians who sing: I like them. So, for a little light relief on a tuesday morning, have Tim Minchin performing If I Didn’t Have You:

I was going to add the disclaimer that it’s not really anything to do with feminism, but it occurs to me that anything that manages to send up the status quo of “love” songs (which have a tendancy towards being [A:] not so feminist and [B:] creepy) without being offensive is probably more feminist than I give it credit for.

Transcript under the cut, and if I’d realised just how much faster he can sing, compared to my typing speed, I would never have started this!


So, uh, I’m married. And the woman I’m married to I met in high school. This is a song I wrote for her, and it’s called If I Didn’t Have You.

Yeah, yeah
If I didn’t have you….

If I didn’t have you to hold me tight
If I didn’t have you to lie with at night
If I didn’t have you to share my side
And to kiss me and dry my tears when I cried,
well I really think that I would
Have somebody else.

If I didn’t have you someone else would do
Your love is one in a million
You couldn’t buy it at any price
But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves
Statistically some of them would be equally nice
Or maybe not as nice but say, smarter than you
Or dumber but better at sport or… tracing…
I’m just saying
I [really think that I would]
Probably [have somebody else]
Yeah.

If I didn’t have you someone else would do
And look, I’m not undervaluing what we’ve got when I say
That given the role chaos inevitably plays
And the inherently flawed notion of “fate”

It’s abstruse to deduce that I found my soulmate
At the age of seventeen
It’s just mathematically unlikely that at a university in Perth
I happened to stumble on the one girl on earth
Specifically designed for me

And if I may conjecture a further objection
Love is nothing to do with destined perfection
The connection is strengthened, the affection
Simply grows over time
Like a flower or a mushroom or a guinea pig or a vine
Or a sponge or bigotry… or a banana

And love is made more powerful by the ongoing drama
Of shared experience and the synergy of a kind of symbiotic
empathy or… something

So I trust it goes without saying that I would feel really very sad
If tomorrow you were to fall off something high or catch something bad
But I’m just saying
I don’t think you’re special
I mean – I mean I think you’re special – but you fall within a bell curve
I mean – I’m just saying
I [really think that I would]
Probably [have somebody else]
Yeah.

I mean I reckon it’s pretty likely that if for example my first girlfriend Jackie hadn’t dumped me
After I kissed Winston’s ex girlfriend Nia back at Steph’s party back in 1993
And our variables would have probably been altered by the absence of that event to have meant the advent of a tangent…tal narrative in which we don’t meet
Which is to say that there is just a theoretical hypothetical parallel life
Where what is is not as is and I am not your husband and you are not my wife
And I am a stuntman living in LA
Married to a small blonde Portuguese skier
Who when she’s not training
Does abstract painting
Practices yoga and brews her own beer
And really likes making home movies
And suffers neck-down alopecia

But with all my heart and all mind I know one thing is true
I have just one love and just one life and my love that love is you
And if it wasn’t for you

[really think that I would]
Probably [have somebody else]

If I didn’t have you someone else would surely do..oo..oo…

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